So let's face it, being a parent is hard stuff. Even worse, there's no rule book or guidelines to help you through the day to day aggravation of being a parent. Truth is, everyone is struggling to find the right and wrong ways of teaching, guiding, loving, and disciplining their kids, and you know what? There is still not one universal way to do everything right, harsh huh?
Well I recently got a well-deserved (metaphorical) slap to the face when I realized some of my mistakes in parenting. Here's the back-story: When I had my daughter, I was a great mom! I spent all day with her, loving her, teaching her, exploring with her, taking A TON of photos of every single thing she did -literally- some days I would have taken 30-40 pictures of her just sitting there! ha! Anyway, she grew and learned everything very quickly. Nothing could get in her way or stop her.
Then, I got pregnant with our second child at 9 months. Things were still going well-I was more tired and it was winter time so we didn't get out of the house as often but we were still happy and learning as fast as ever. Then, our dear sweet little boy entered our lives when Little Miss was a year and half old which was great! She loved her new brother more than anything in the world and wanted to help in every single way possible.
However, it just so happened that this little man hated sleep and basically wanted to cry 24/7 for the first few months. Due to this, I got barely any sleep, would wake up cranky, not want to go out or do anything and honestly didn't make a whole lot of time for my daughter anymore. Everything she did wrong by accident or just simply because she's a kid, became an annoyance. I still loved her more than anything and would try to teach her everyday but it slowly got harder and harder to be happy everyday. Discipline was the worst. I didn't know how to do it anymore. It was hard to follow through due to the ever clinging baby in my arms. Zach's classes got harder which meant less help around the house (don't get me wrong, Zach is a HUGE help all the time when he can, but I want him to focus on school which means more studying and homework which was hard for me to handle) and in the end I started yelling at my baby girl.
In no way is any of this my kids or husband's fault. It's entirely mine. I would just start to get frustrated and antsy when I was more tired. I would feel rushed and the weight of motherhood would come crashing down on me from nowhere, unexpectedly. One day I would love nothing more than playing with my kids all day and the next I would get annoyed anytime they asked me to read another book.
It's hard to admit, but it's true. I've gone from great mom, to good mom and I really desire to become a great mom again for my kids. They deserve that and they deserve the best of me.
So to start that off and become a better mom, I have decided to take the Orange Rhino Challenge and try to slowly make changes in my life by stopping the yelling. This women has really inspired me and I suggest any mom who may be struggling like me, to visit her website and read about the challenge too. I am excited to start this new chapter and hopefully become a great mom once again.
My goal is also a full year without yelling at my kids, but I think I will take it week by week so I have more focus. Hopefully my kids will love seeing the silly side of me emerge again as I use some of her tactful alternatives to yelling! They really are great.
So anyway, this is my public announcement so it becomes something real and a tangible goal for me that I can't back away from! I'll be posting every week (if I remember) about my progress in the challenge! :)
Monday, March 3, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
The Family
My husband and I love to browse through stories and articles on the internet about controversial topics and then read a lot of the comments to see how different people react to the topic and take sides. Well today I happened to stumble upon an article called 6 Reasons to Have 6 kids and I enjoyed reading this women's take on why she chose to have a big family. However, as you go into the comments a lot of people begin to tell this women how it is irresponsible and selfish to have 6 kids. They say that having 6+ kids forces the kids to have too much responsibility or not enough, you are too poor to raise kids properly, you can't plan out your time with each kid and your too frustrated all the time to be a good parent.
Honestly, I can see where these people are coming from. Their friends who were only children or from a family of 4 had more free time to spend on computer games, hanging out and partying with friends all night, didn't have to do as much chores, didn't have to work hard in their lives because their parents paid their way to do everything. I mean, doesn't that sound way more fun than helping out with chores, watching siblings, and having a job at 16? Sure it does! But guess what? The sad truth is, now those kids are dependent on their parents for EVERYTHING. They become used to instant gratification and believing that the world revolves around them and they don't realize the value of true hard work.
I have seen the good, the bad, the great, the worst, etc. of both situations through my own family and the families of my friends. I grew up in a family of 7 and I'm the youngest. I got to see first hand as each of my siblings went through life and experienced the challenges of being in a large family. I know that I never once had a babysitter besides a member of my family. My siblings did have to miss events every now and then so my parents could go out while we stayed home, and while they griped about always having to watch their siblings, we did tend to have fun because we are a family and our parents made sure that we spent time as a family so we could grow together and we would love to spend time together. While that isn't always the case and trust me, we all fought more than enough times, we did enjoy each other. I will always be grateful to my siblings for spending that time with me, even if they didn't always want to, because those are some of my favorite childhood memories. And you know, it may be just me, but I think my siblings enjoyed that time just as much. So yes, my siblings were 'forced' to watch their younger siblings when they were teenagers, but if they hadn't been, I honestly don't believe that we would be as close as we are now.
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We were also all 'forced' to do chores around the house, every week. We all knew the drill-every four nights was our dish night (with some exceptions) and every Saturday we had large chores to do that had to be done before we did anything else. We were never given an allowance for doing these chores because these chores were to help out around the house. We lived in the house just like my parents did, so why should it be only THEIR responsibility to clean it? Now I should explain that I never truly had this view as a child because who wants to work as a kid?, but now I see why these were so important and I'm glad I had to do them. They taught me responsibility, hard work, and that not everything you do in life will give you a reward, somethings just have to be done whether you like them or not. As a child, I was envious of my friends who got an allowance for their work and had less chores than I, but as an adult, I can see how much better off I am for having done these than they are without. Many of my friends still rely on their parents and will gripe about how life is so much harder than they ever imagined. They are now realizing that nothing is free, everything comes with a price and that they don't always get what they want, whereas I was taught this my whole life.
Don't get me wrong, my parents were in no way 'poor' when I lived their, but hey, I was! Just because my parents had money didn't mean that I did. Of course they payed for me to go to movies with friends and other things every now and then, but I also remember having to do EXTRA chores to earn any kind of money if I wanted to do something that they wouldn't pay for. My parents never gave me a car either like many of my other friends. I was taught at an early age that things cost money and I was taught how to save and spend wisely. When I turned 16 I got a job and bought a car myself from my parents. It was the family hand-me-down car, but it still wasn't free. Each of my siblings had to pay my parents for the car, just like they would have if they had bought it from a dealer and we also had to pay for our gas. We never had the fancy newest items and we shared most our toys and even our rooms growing up.
The funny thing is, if hearing this all makes you gasp, you should really talk to my siblings because according to them, I got off easy and had to pay for a lot less than they ever had to. :)
With that being said, each of my siblings, and I all know the value of a dollar. We've had to work hard in life and I'm pretty positive that we would all say we owe all of that to our parents. As a kid, you don't need a lot in life to be happy, which is the problem for many families now a days. They feel immense pressure to give their kids EVERYTHING. As a kid, my imagination was my greatest toy and many kids don't even realize they have one anymore. It's sad, but ultimately true. As a parent, the best thing I feel I can do for my kids is to allow them to realize their creativity and potential without the 'latest and greatest' getting in the way. I'm a parent who won't give my kids in elementary school cell phones and ipods and ipads because they don't NEED them. They may want them, but guess what? You don't always get what you want.
Along the same lines, my parents also taught us that education was extremely important. However, my parents weren't going to waste their money on buying that education just to have us throw it away. When growing up, I worked hard to get good grades so I could earn a scholarship to go to school because I wanted to, not because my parents said I had to. If I wasn't going to be willing to work for school, my parents weren't going to pay for me to do nothing. So no, my parents didn't pay our way through college, but in hindsight, I think that's a great gift because it once again taught me to work hard to reach my greatest potential. I wasn't lifted their by my parents, and for that, I thank them.
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Now as for the planning argument, my parent's did both work when I was growing up (6+) but they learned how to still hive each of us our time, even if it wasn't always just one on one with them. My mom stayed home with each of us kids until we started school and then she went back to work for her. She was willing to give us the attention and love we needed when we were little, and even though she and my dad worked as we got older, they still gave that to us. They didn't plan out scheduled time with each of us each week or anything, but they were always their to listen, help and love us as we needed. They were always up for a board game or letting me do their hair (even my dad) or listening to me sing or dance or show them something new I learned. My mom was always willing to help with school and my dad always had time to teach me how to catch a softball or shoot a basket. Looking back, I'm sure they were busy all day, every day, but if you ever asked either of them, they wouldn't trade it for the world. Each of us were loved and taken care of, and that's all we could ever ask for.
So even though everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just want everyone to know that having a large family isn't irresponsible if the parents WANT a big family and are themselves responsible and know how to teach responsibility to their children. You can have a big family and be just as happy or maybe even more happy than smaller families because you have more people to love and more who love you in return. So whether you're from a small or large family, just remember that love is the most important key in any family and that your parents are trying their best to show you their love for you every single day.
Honestly, I can see where these people are coming from. Their friends who were only children or from a family of 4 had more free time to spend on computer games, hanging out and partying with friends all night, didn't have to do as much chores, didn't have to work hard in their lives because their parents paid their way to do everything. I mean, doesn't that sound way more fun than helping out with chores, watching siblings, and having a job at 16? Sure it does! But guess what? The sad truth is, now those kids are dependent on their parents for EVERYTHING. They become used to instant gratification and believing that the world revolves around them and they don't realize the value of true hard work.
I have seen the good, the bad, the great, the worst, etc. of both situations through my own family and the families of my friends. I grew up in a family of 7 and I'm the youngest. I got to see first hand as each of my siblings went through life and experienced the challenges of being in a large family. I know that I never once had a babysitter besides a member of my family. My siblings did have to miss events every now and then so my parents could go out while we stayed home, and while they griped about always having to watch their siblings, we did tend to have fun because we are a family and our parents made sure that we spent time as a family so we could grow together and we would love to spend time together. While that isn't always the case and trust me, we all fought more than enough times, we did enjoy each other. I will always be grateful to my siblings for spending that time with me, even if they didn't always want to, because those are some of my favorite childhood memories. And you know, it may be just me, but I think my siblings enjoyed that time just as much. So yes, my siblings were 'forced' to watch their younger siblings when they were teenagers, but if they hadn't been, I honestly don't believe that we would be as close as we are now.
We were also all 'forced' to do chores around the house, every week. We all knew the drill-every four nights was our dish night (with some exceptions) and every Saturday we had large chores to do that had to be done before we did anything else. We were never given an allowance for doing these chores because these chores were to help out around the house. We lived in the house just like my parents did, so why should it be only THEIR responsibility to clean it? Now I should explain that I never truly had this view as a child because who wants to work as a kid?, but now I see why these were so important and I'm glad I had to do them. They taught me responsibility, hard work, and that not everything you do in life will give you a reward, somethings just have to be done whether you like them or not. As a child, I was envious of my friends who got an allowance for their work and had less chores than I, but as an adult, I can see how much better off I am for having done these than they are without. Many of my friends still rely on their parents and will gripe about how life is so much harder than they ever imagined. They are now realizing that nothing is free, everything comes with a price and that they don't always get what they want, whereas I was taught this my whole life.
Don't get me wrong, my parents were in no way 'poor' when I lived their, but hey, I was! Just because my parents had money didn't mean that I did. Of course they payed for me to go to movies with friends and other things every now and then, but I also remember having to do EXTRA chores to earn any kind of money if I wanted to do something that they wouldn't pay for. My parents never gave me a car either like many of my other friends. I was taught at an early age that things cost money and I was taught how to save and spend wisely. When I turned 16 I got a job and bought a car myself from my parents. It was the family hand-me-down car, but it still wasn't free. Each of my siblings had to pay my parents for the car, just like they would have if they had bought it from a dealer and we also had to pay for our gas. We never had the fancy newest items and we shared most our toys and even our rooms growing up.
The funny thing is, if hearing this all makes you gasp, you should really talk to my siblings because according to them, I got off easy and had to pay for a lot less than they ever had to. :)
With that being said, each of my siblings, and I all know the value of a dollar. We've had to work hard in life and I'm pretty positive that we would all say we owe all of that to our parents. As a kid, you don't need a lot in life to be happy, which is the problem for many families now a days. They feel immense pressure to give their kids EVERYTHING. As a kid, my imagination was my greatest toy and many kids don't even realize they have one anymore. It's sad, but ultimately true. As a parent, the best thing I feel I can do for my kids is to allow them to realize their creativity and potential without the 'latest and greatest' getting in the way. I'm a parent who won't give my kids in elementary school cell phones and ipods and ipads because they don't NEED them. They may want them, but guess what? You don't always get what you want.
Along the same lines, my parents also taught us that education was extremely important. However, my parents weren't going to waste their money on buying that education just to have us throw it away. When growing up, I worked hard to get good grades so I could earn a scholarship to go to school because I wanted to, not because my parents said I had to. If I wasn't going to be willing to work for school, my parents weren't going to pay for me to do nothing. So no, my parents didn't pay our way through college, but in hindsight, I think that's a great gift because it once again taught me to work hard to reach my greatest potential. I wasn't lifted their by my parents, and for that, I thank them.
So even though everyone is entitled to their opinion, I just want everyone to know that having a large family isn't irresponsible if the parents WANT a big family and are themselves responsible and know how to teach responsibility to their children. You can have a big family and be just as happy or maybe even more happy than smaller families because you have more people to love and more who love you in return. So whether you're from a small or large family, just remember that love is the most important key in any family and that your parents are trying their best to show you their love for you every single day.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
26 things I've done since being married before 23
I recently saw this article "23 things to do instead of getting engaged at 23" circulating Facebook and many times I read these and think "you know a lot of those things do sound like fun! Maybe I should do them sometime." but as I read through this article I realized that it's just another superficial teenage article. She lists a lot reasons why she assumes people get married too young stating that most of them use marriage as a cover because they are scared or inexperienced or just because they want someone to cuddle with. She also says that if it's true love, then what's the rush? Why not find yourself first by dating, traveling, taking risks, getting an education, choosing a career, having sex, etc? Then she states "it’s insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life."
Now I know this is one girl's opinion, but I also know that this opinion is found in a lot of other people as well, and most people who talk to me and ask about my life would think the same thing, but it just isn't true. So I wanted to state my opinion on this topic as well.
Hi, my name is Janessa, I am 20 years old, I have been married for two and half years to a great guy and we have two of the most amazing kids you will ever meet. In my 20 years of life I have experienced dating, risks, getting a higher education, choosing a career, marriage, being pregnant, giving birth, loving three people more than I ever thought possible, hard work, trials, and so much more. I owe a lot of that experience to the last two and a half years of my life.
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If I were still single, I know exactly where I would be in life. I would be out at College, dating all kinds of stupid guys, partying all night, taking tests, hanging out with friends, eating junk and working at a dead end job until I finished school. Maybe I would have traveled and had more worldly experiences, but honestly, I don't want that.
I'm not saying that everyone should go out and get married young because it's cool or hip or worked for me. NO! People should get married when they want, whether that's at 18 like me or 23 or 35 or older or whatever! You should get married when YOU are ready, and only you can be the judge of when that should be. The world shouldn't have a say in whether you are ready or not.
I'm writing this because it really irks me when people hear how young I married and they say things like, "well hopefully that'll work out," or "you know most young marriages end in divorce right?" or "were you really sure? I mean you can't really be sure that young, right?" Well I was sure, and this is one marriage that won't end up as just another ugly statistic. I got married because I was ready. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would take sacrifice, work, compromise, love, devotion and it would mean the end of my single life of partying and dating forever, but you know what? I wanted that. Every single drop of it; even right on down to the tiny budget and small apartment, because for me, I got so much more out of these things than I know I would have in single life.
While there are countless numbers of reasons why I got married when I did, I think I'll just explain the most important one.
- I fell in love.
I know that sounds like the same old, boring reason that everyone gives when asked why they get married, but have you ever asked them to expound on that reason? There's a lot more to it than you may think. When someone gives this answer, the usual reply is rolled eyes and people say something along the lines of "Well duh! But do you really want to get married so young? Why not wait if it's really true love?"
Yes, I believe our love is eternal and yes, I'm sure it could have waited 2-10 years, but then I ask you in return, why should I wait? If we both feel it's right and we aren't going to date anyone else, then why wait? Just so we aren't a statistic? No, I don't live by the world's standards. I make my own happiness.
In a world where the family and marriage are being trashed everyday and people say that your career should come first, or you should "find yourself" first because you're going to change ten years down the road, I have turned into a statistic. I believe in love, marriage and family. I believe that if you really love someone and are ready to get married, then you should. Everything else will fall into place when you work hard together.
My husband and I are both going to school to work towards a higher education and a career. We both change everyday and yes, when we are 28 I'm positive we'll have changed a ton from when we were 18, but we will have changed together. We will have learned how to love each other for the good, the bad and the ugly. I love my husband for his strength and his weaknesses, and he loves me for mine.
So yeah, I didn't ever do everything on this girl's list of things to do before marriage, but I've done SO MUCH MORE!
Here are 26 things I've done since being married before 23, and trust me, there are about a million more.
- Learned to love someone unconditionally and learned the true meaning behind "Love at first sight" when both my kids were born.
- Taught someone to roll over, crawl, walk, talk, etc.
- Made cakes and cookies and other yummy desserts with tiny helping hands
- Watched every Disney movie ever made (almost)
- Gone down every slide on every playground around town
- Made a tiny apron
- Watched every episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and can quote just about every one!
- Memorized tons of children's books
- Gone on family walks in the cool summer while holding hands with my eternal companion
- Got sealed in the temple to my family forever
- Acquired bat hearing-seriously, just ask any mom :)
- Used my imagination every day
- Had a sleepover in our living room with my hubby which included all the works: blankets, movies, junk food, etc.
- Traveled in a car while singing along to Disney songs
- Found laughter and joy even in the worst of times
- Felt little arms wrap around my neck while I hear a sweet "I love you Mommy" in my ear
- Gained a second family who loves me just as much as my first one
- Learned to budget and spend wisely
- Danced to Christmas music while putting up a Christmas tree with my family
- Went sledding and just played in the snow
- Colored countless pictures and helped scribble even more
- Ran around outside in the warm sunlight without a care in the world as little feet chased me
- Healed boo-boos with my kisses
- Woke up every morning to a kiss and an I love you
- Have heard the most beautiful sound in the world-a baby's laugh- and seen the most precious thing in the world-a baby's smile- a million times over.
- Loved every second of my life, even the very worst seconds, because every second is filled with love.
I have so much more than worldly experiences and I have learned and grown so much as a wife and mother than I ever could have alone. So while young marriage is not for everyone, it is for me, and the world will never be able to tell me otherwise.
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